How To Get Robbed In The City Of Chicago

  • Realise you’re almost out of obscenely expensive Argan oil. It’s actually doing awesome things for your skin, so you choke down the price and make a Sephora run to replenish your supply.
  • Get distracted by shiny things at Bendels.
  • Take the escalator two floors to Sephora. Feel someone bumping up against you; assume it’s garden variety sexual harassment and ignore.
  • Stroll in, look at some lipstick, go to check what time it is.
  • Realise your bag is unzipped
  • Realise your phone is not in its designated pocket.
  • Nor anywhere else in your purse.
  • Feel your heart fall through your butt.
  • Congratulations. Your phone has been stolen.
  • Dump the entire contents of your purse out on a counter; go through it with a fine tooth comb.
  • Get two Sephora employees to help, in case you’ve suddenly gone blind or something.
  • Try to call your phone from the store’s landline; realise your hands are shaking so badly that you can’t dial.
  • RUN, do not walk, back down to Bendels.
  • Wild-eyed and fighting back a panic attack, ask the frightened shopgirls if maybe you left your phone there?
  • You didn’t.
  • Realise your makeup bag is gone too, which contained all of your favourite stuff, including your favourite Dior lipstick that has been discontinued.
  • Burst into floods of angry tears.
  • Security arrives. Give a statement.
  • Call the Chicago police to file a police report. REMAIN ON HOLD FOR 35 MINUTES.
  • Two actual police officers arrive; they cannot help you with a police report as they are on foot, not in a car, a distinction which turns out to be very important.
  • Learn that the Chicago police are no longer dispatching officers to scenes of non-violent crimes. If you’ve been robbed, you have to file a report over the phone. Okay. One understands that the cops cannot be everywhere at once.
  • Call again to file a report under the instruction of the two officers who are there with you, and who are also very nice. REMAIN ON HOLD 45 ADDITIONAL MINUTES.
  • Give up.
  • Stop service on phone.
  • Change gmail password from computer at Best Buy, thus effectively locking out the thieves.
  • Realise you’ve cried off most of your makeup; adorable gay boy tells you that you still look good.
  • Head to boyfriend’s place.
  • Get lost on streets you have seriously been on a million times, you are so upset.
  • Walk past herd of teenage boys. Overhear one say “Is that Taylor Swift?” and they all stare after you.
  • Smile in spite of yourself.

So guys: if you’re out and about in Chicago, hang on to yo shit! I learned from the very nice officers who were helping me (and who were just as pissed as I was at the logistical impossibility of, y’know, actually reporting a crime) that there are some A-grade pickpockets running around the city lately.

I mean, the joke is ultimately on the thieves because my phone was about four years old, heavy as a brick and worth about three dollars. But that doesn’t mean I wanted it taken. Likewise, as shitty as it was that they stole my makeup, at least they didn’t get my wallet. And since my makeup bag looks very much LIKE a wallet, I count myself doubly lucky.

Still. I hope those thieves get anal prolapse, because this has been really annoying.

lovesyou

4 thoughts on “How To Get Robbed In The City Of Chicago

  1. As someone who recently had her phone snatched out of her hand on the street – they call it snatch-theft (giggity) – I can attest to the fact that suddenly not having a phone is a lot more traumatic than the actual moment when it’s taken. So, I RELATE. And God I wish I didn’t. And fuck, I miss my phone.

    (I might write a response to this called “How to Get Robbed in the Shithole that is Croydon”.)

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