Ask Alle: Jubilee edition

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Ask Alle! Are you ready for me to solve ALL YOUR PROBLEMS?

To start with, THANK YOU SO MUCH for heeding my Formspring pleas for limited txt spk and emoticons. Everything has gotten much easier to read, although I have still edited for clarity. This week I am answering a bunch of little questions. They are the miniature cucumber sandwiches of questions, if you will, in the spirit of the Diamond Jubilee. How elegant. On with the show.

Alle has a B.A. in Psychology, which is basically a degree in seeing through other people’s bullshit. She also has a B.A. in English, but that’s not really relevant. Though she does not pretend to have it all figured out, she does have enough figured out to be helpful.

How can you tell when a girl likes you?
She tells you that she likes you and acts accordingly. I think that it’s what people DO that matters most (because anyone can say anything), so if you had to pick one canary to set loose in the coal mine of Special Feelings, I’d say it should be behaviour.

Are you a Mac or PC?
I have both, but I prefer my Mac and I’m not going to argue about it.

Are pubes BACK?
Judging by what I’ve read on the interwebs about the state of porn stars’ ladyparts, I guess they are. But while we are all subject to the pressure to conform to current beauty standards, I don’t think you should really be too swayed by what THE WORLD thinks of your vulval grooming. What do you like? What does your partner like? That’s all that matters.

Is masturbating everyday too much? (I’m a girl)
Unless it interferes with getting other things done, it’s never too much.

Why do guys say they like you, then ignore you?
Because guys are people, and people in general are unpredictable and 48 flavours of crazy. Sometimes they have issues that they project on to you. Sometimes they get scared. Sometimes they just don’t care enough not to ignore you. There are about a million reasons why people blow hot and cold, but do you notice what all these things have in common? None of them are really about you. If you’ve done right and someone cuts you out of their life anyway, chances are that it’s because of their stuff. It stings for a minute and then you get over it. Rejection sucks, but I promise you’ll live through it. I even hear it builds character.

Does playing hard to get work?
No, because games are for children and assholes. Being your own person with your own interests, friends and life works.

Bangs don’t look good on me.
This is truly a tragedy of our modern times.

Is 19 and 30 too much of an age difference?
Yes. Feel free to ignore me until the day you turn 30, then talk to a 19 year old and realise they don’t know a damn thing. No shade, still-teenagers, you have lots of growing ahead of you. And I look just as stupid to someone who is 41.

Will boys like me if I’m fat?
The more important question is, will YOU like you if you’re fat?

Why can’t I find a decent girl like you?
I’m not a decent girl. I’m a human being which means I am inherently flawed, just like everybody else on the planet. Making distinctions between “decent girls” and “everybody else” with regards to who you want to date is not a good plan, because it’s built on a lie right from the start. There are no decent girls. There are no indecent girls. There are just girls.

How do you tell someone not to touch you?
I don’t like a lot of physical contact but people aren’t mind-readers, so I’m clear but nice about my boundaries. Saying things like “I’m not a hugger” or “That’s enough” if something goes on too long usually work. People who touch me without my consent–things like street harassment, drunk assholes in bars, grabby first dates–are treated otherwise. If anyone violates your personal space, you have my permission to go right ahead and fuck some shit up. I don’t mean get in a fight; I mean get them off you and say something like “DON’T TOUCH ME” where the meaning is quite clearly “GET THE FUCK OFF ME.” The forcefulness is more important than your word choice, but make sure it’s like a hail of bullets coming out of your mouth.

I’m (height redacted) and (weight redacted), am I too skinny?
These questions bum me out. If you’re eating well and moving around every day, you’re fine just the way you are.

How do you know if a guy is using you for sex?
If you want to have sex with him just as much as he wants to have it with you, there’s no way he can USE you for sex. You see how I did that? Own your sexuality, ladies. Your desire isn’t dirty or bad.

Have you ever fucked a celebrity?
Nope. The nine alarm shitstorm surrounding fame is pretty scary to me, and I would be reticent to involve my delicate bits in a situation that could become tabloid fodder.

How will I know if he really loves me?
Trust your feelings. And say a prayer with every heartbeat.

My mother was emotionally and physically abusive to me my entire childhood. Can I cut her out of my life?
First, you don’t need my permission. Second, I am a firm believer in the idea that the best thing about being an adult is that you get to decide who is in your life and in what capacity. If your mother was an abuser and she hasn’t gone through the years and years of therapy required to address that, then I think that yeah, you can cut her out of your life. Family relationships aren’t just about genetic material; they’re about being love, support, respect and safety. You can’t get any of that from an abuser, not in a form that matters. Use your good judgement.

My best friend likes the same guy I do.
This will either ruin your relationship completely or make it stronger. There’s no middle path. I know this because Charlotte and I became friends when we found out that we were both dating the same guy. I know, how Dawson’s Creek of us. And I’m not saying that it was always easy, but I AM saying that I have no idea what that guy is doing now, whereas I know what Charlotte had for breakfast. You get me?

How can I be alone without being lonely?
Like yourself, get used to spending time with yourself, and then practice practice practice.

Girl, how’d you get so fly?
Big-ass wings.

And that’s all she wrote. I hope you’re enjoying a lovely week, possibly from the comfort of your favourite barge.

2 thoughts on “Ask Alle: Jubilee edition

  1. Great answers! Thought I’d chime in on a couple…

    On pubes… great point about what you and your partner like. That’s the way to go. Also, worth pointing out that I have yet to meet anyone who wanted to fuck me who really minded that I had hair/was smooth down there. Vagina lovers tend to just love vaginas, even if they have a preference.

    And the age difference thing. Is 19 and 30 too big an age difference? Depends what you’re looking for! For kinky, age-difference-infused fucking? No. For love and life and happiness, yes.

    1. That is a really good point. The only thing I’d maybe add is that, in my experience, it’s not always great to draw a line between “people I’d fuck (kinkily or otherwise)” and “people I’d have life and love and happiness with.” I say that because drawing that line was my MO for a really long time, and it only ever ended with tears, and once with a naked picture scandal.

      I mean, sometimes the vagina wants what she wants and we can do nothing but obey. Sometimes the vagina wants an older dude and the brain knows there’s no future. As long as the brain keeps control and KNOWS it’s just banging, then good times. But sometimes brains are drowned out by happy vaginas, especially when they are 19. So everyone involved, all the time, should proceed with caution. There’s no such thing as a no-stakes relationship, sexual or otherwise.


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