Things Which Are Popular But That I Don’t Understand

Maybe I’m getting old and cranky, but there are trends in the world that seriously make me screw up my face and say “Her?” Weirder than an Ann Mayonegg, is what I’m saying. Strange as the Ann on Plain’s face. Should I stop with the Arrested Development jokes? NEVER! And while I’m being old and cranky, you kids get off my lawn!

Anyway. Let’s talk about…

Things Which Are Popular But That I Don’t Understand.

  • Dubstep.

(Literally the first thing that came up when I typed “I don’t understand dubstep” in Google)

I guess I should have seen this coming. Transformers made sixty bajillion dollars worldwide, parents want to name their newborn babies Megatron, it revived the career of Linkin (ugh, that spelling) Park. So why wouldn’t you want to also listen to music that sounds like giant robots? Giant ANGRY robots? It’s just…WUB WUB WUB-SCREEEEEECH-WUB WUB WUB, right? That’s a party, maybe. In the emergency room. With my bleeding eardrums.

(Also, Skrillex: Too many of us still remember the dark, dark days of Myspace and the attendant scene queen hair. Please stop trying to bring it back.)

  • The Big Bang Theory.

(*)

Mama Malice brought my attention to this show. She straight-up LOVES it, probably because she also managed to raise a smarty-pants weirdo. But this is one of the most popular shows on tv and my question is…why? What is the general premise? Is it that smart people are stupid, or that stupid people are stupid, or that people can’t understand each other when they use different cultural references? Awkward people are fun to laugh at? WHAT?

  • Turtlenecks.

(*)

The average woman is not now, nor will she ever be, Annie Hall. Yes I know it’s cold (I live in Chicago, aka Satan’s frozen asshole) but you don’t lose that much bodyheat from your neck. Wear a damn scarf.

  • Creepers.

(*)

I’m trying to figure out the logic of these shoes. It’s like someone said “I want the added height of a heel, but I don’t want to do the work. Oh, and I’d also like to look like I’m wearing orthotics. I know! I’ll glue a licorice allsort to the bottom of a sensible school shoe, preferably one in barfy brown! PERFECT!” If kitten heels are for quitters, these are for people who forget that the race is being run at all.

  • Indian feather headdresses.

(Made by me in a fit of rage)

Because genocide is sooooo hot right now. What is fucking wrong with you.

  • Tumblr.

I have one, I use it, I’m not good at it. I’ve joked that I don’t have enough feelings to ever be Tumblr populr; even at my most depressed or heartbroken or longing, I’ve never felt the need to superimpose meaningful song lyrics over a photo of a sunset. Or take black and white photos of me holding hands with a boy with my shirt off. Maybe that’s just my cross to bear.

  • Revisionist horror lit.

(*)

Full disclosure: Pride and Prejudice is my favourite book and I love Jane Austen. I don’t need to know what would happen if Elizabeth Bennet fought zombies, or if Elinor hunted sea monsters, or if Mr Darcy could travel through time and tame manticores or whatever. If you’re going to ruin something with nonsense, why not ruin something that’s already awful, like The DaVinci Code? Or you could make it BETTER. The DaVinci Code with an all-unicorn cast! That’s magical!

  • Curling hair with a straightener.

Or a simpler solution: buy a fucking curling iron.

As always, I now turn the floor over to you. What are some popular things that YOU don’t understand? Does this mean we’re getting old? Does it matter, since it means we don’t have to deal with Justin Bieber? I asked Mama Malice earlier this week and she said she doesn’t understand “The Spacepage,” which I think means Facebook but is also used to describe all of the internet sometimes. Tell me all about YOU in ze comments!

13 thoughts on “Things Which Are Popular But That I Don’t Understand

  1. I love this post. Sidebar: I don’t remember who recommended your blog to me, but this post? Worth every penny.

    BBT? I don’t get that show either. Same with 2 and a weirdly overgrown and too-old-to-be-called-a-half men. Not funny.

    I don’t get why almost every show that involves a married couple, or every ad for that matter, must include an incredibly b*tchy wife with a goofy-yet-well-meaning husband. Do married people not like each other? Is that a “thing”??

    I’m sure I have so many more things that make me stabby, but that’s all for now.

    1. That is a super great one! It really bothers me too that people who are married or even in relationships are either portrayed as passionately in LUUUURVE or fucking hating each other. So boring. You hit the nail on the head!

      1. I don’t think tv shows are meant to portray real life (example…ANYTHING on the wb or cw or whatever it is these days) I think shows portray married couples that way because whatever show did it first was a hit and then everyone decided they needed to do it too in order to get some laughs and a solid viewership. If tv were realistic no one would watch, that’s why reality tv is so not reality!

        1. See, I disagree there. I think that even the most unrealistic shows are at their best when there’s something real at the core. Take Gossip Girl. I think that some of it’s best moments were when the circumstances were insane, but the characters were working from something real. Like Blair. Real girls doesn’t create elaborate schemes to take down former friends, but she probably does have a friend that she feels like has it easier or better than her and it makes her want to act out, no matter how much she loves her. Real girls don’t have billionaire boyfriends who wear ascots casually, but they probably do get involved in relationships that they KNOW are destructive, but they just…can’t…stop.
          I know what you’re saying about ratings, but I also feel like it’s 2011. The Honeymooners model has to go. It’s lazy and it’s cheap.

      1. I think it’s interesting the way the whole vampire thing has changed. When I was a teenager, I liked vampires because of Interview (and to a lesser extent, Dracula: Dead and Loving It). But I wanted to BE one. Girls now are positioned to want to DATE one. I think that’s a bit telling.

  2. That may be the most annoying 30 seconds of a video I’ve ever watched. Seriously, buy a curling iron rather than watching that video. It will make you smarter than the internets.

    Things I don’t get and that means I’m probably REALLY OLD:
    — Conversations via text. I get little notes, finalizing plans, updating someone on where you are. I don’t get trying to convey anything meaningful at all via text. But then, I also do not regularly carry a cell phone.

    –Twitter. I looked at it. I saw it was a time suck beyond all time sucks, even if it could be interesting. I ran away and read a book.

    –TV shows that are lazy. Either they go for the cheap laugh that’s been done a thousand times (stupid husband, hot wife) or they create characters with few redeeming characteristics who all treat each other badly (Friends — I did not get that show. People were just mean to each other).

    –Cake pops. That looks like a ton of work for no real payoff. Just eat the damn cake.

    –Pinterest. See also “Twitter.”

    1. I totally agree about the cake pops. What the shit is that? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a single bits of cake on a damn stick. I want a slice, I want to eat it with a fork, and I want to enjoy it. It just strikes me as being overly twee, you know? Like those superfancy decorated cupcakes that look like mini works of art, but guess what? I’m going to eat it and my body is going to turn it into poop, so maybe there’s not much point in that spun sugar Eiffel Tower there, buddy.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So genius. Every last pick. I completely agree. Also, I got the Arrested Development joke after “Her?”, I’ve ALWAYS been a detester of turtlenecks, I feel like Grandma’s Boy is totally underrated, and I appreciate that you used Wednesday’s play monologue from Addams Family Values. I laughed and agreed the whole way through this! LOVES YOU!!!

    1. Dude, do you remember like a million years ago (maybe six or seven in non-hyperbole terms) that you were writing a story or a series of stories and the characters were based on your friends? It was very dark, kind of a gothic fantasy thing in the best way. Anyway, the character you based on me was like an immortal oracle I think, and her original outfit involved a black turtleneck. I think my critique went along the lines of “TURTLENECK, WHUT” and you changed it. Anyway. Long-form way of saying I love you.

  4. Thank God! Someone else who doesn’t get why the Big Bang Theory is…well…big.

    I don’t get hot pants/booty shorts/underwear masquerading as outerwear. Really, why not just wear underwear if you want that much of your ass/vagina hanging out in public?

    The Mighty Boosh. Is it supposed to be funny? Scary? I don’t know. But I do know I can’t stand it.

    American Apparel. It’s like a schizophrenic paedophile’s circus in there. WTF? How is that store even allowed to operate?

    1. I have to take exception to the American Apparel part, because–although Dov is a skeezy skeezebucket and the advertising is eyerolling in the extreme–their v-neck tshirts are probably my #1 wardrobe staple. I love them, I own them in every colour. Also, their thigh-high socks are basically perfect as they A) stay up instead of rolling down, B) are long enough for tall girls to wear AS thigh highs rather than kneesocks, and C) are warm, which rules, because I wear them under jeans in the winter.

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