Maybe I’m getting old and cranky, but there are trends in the world that seriously make me screw up my face and say “Her?” Weirder than an Ann Mayonegg, is what I’m saying. Strange as the Ann on Plain’s face. Should I stop with the Arrested Development jokes? NEVER! And while I’m being old and cranky, you kids get off my lawn!
Anyway. Let’s talk about…
Things Which Are Popular But That I Don’t Understand.
I guess I should have seen this coming. Transformers made sixty bajillion dollars worldwide, parents want to name their newborn babies Megatron, it revived the career of Linkin (ugh, that spelling) Park. So why wouldn’t you want to also listen to music that sounds like giant robots? Giant ANGRY robots? It’s just…WUB WUB WUB-SCREEEEEECH-WUB WUB WUB, right? That’s a party, maybe. In the emergency room. With my bleeding eardrums.
(Also, Skrillex: Too many of us still remember the dark, dark days of Myspace and the attendant scene queen hair. Please stop trying to bring it back.)
- The Big Bang Theory.
Mama Malice brought my attention to this show. She straight-up LOVES it, probably because she also managed to raise a smarty-pants weirdo. But this is one of the most popular shows on tv and my question is…why? What is the general premise? Is it that smart people are stupid, or that stupid people are stupid, or that people can’t understand each other when they use different cultural references? Awkward people are fun to laugh at? WHAT?
The average woman is not now, nor will she ever be, Annie Hall. Yes I know it’s cold (I live in Chicago, aka Satan’s frozen asshole) but you don’t lose that much bodyheat from your neck. Wear a damn scarf.
I’m trying to figure out the logic of these shoes. It’s like someone said “I want the added height of a heel, but I don’t want to do the work. Oh, and I’d also like to look like I’m wearing orthotics. I know! I’ll glue a licorice allsort to the bottom of a sensible school shoe, preferably one in barfy brown! PERFECT!” If kitten heels are for quitters, these are for people who forget that the race is being run at all.
- Indian feather headdresses.
(Made by me in a fit of rage)
Because genocide is sooooo hot right now. What is fucking wrong with you.
I have one, I use it, I’m not good at it. I’ve joked that I don’t have enough feelings to ever be Tumblr populr; even at my most depressed or heartbroken or longing, I’ve never felt the need to superimpose meaningful song lyrics over a photo of a sunset. Or take black and white photos of me holding hands with a boy with my shirt off. Maybe that’s just my cross to bear.
- Revisionist horror lit.
Full disclosure: Pride and Prejudice is my favourite book and I love Jane Austen. I don’t need to know what would happen if Elizabeth Bennet fought zombies, or if Elinor hunted sea monsters, or if Mr Darcy could travel through time and tame manticores or whatever. If you’re going to ruin something with nonsense, why not ruin something that’s already awful, like The DaVinci Code? Or you could make it BETTER. The DaVinci Code with an all-unicorn cast! That’s magical!
- Curling hair with a straightener.
Or a simpler solution: buy a fucking curling iron.
As always, I now turn the floor over to you. What are some popular things that YOU don’t understand? Does this mean we’re getting old? Does it matter, since it means we don’t have to deal with Justin Bieber? I asked Mama Malice earlier this week and she said she doesn’t understand “The Spacepage,” which I think means Facebook but is also used to describe all of the internet sometimes. Tell me all about YOU in ze comments!