So You Want To Return A Book To Amazon And You’re A Total Dope?

Yay! I had a birthday! As the mooks I work with say, maybe this is the year I start looking like an adult rather than a high school student. JURY IS OUT ON THAT ONE GUYS, THERE IS A PORTRAIT SOMEWHERE THAT DOES ALL MY AGING FOR ME. I had a fantastic day, thank you for your well-wishes, and yes I am aware that September 11th is a difficult day to have a birthday, but that is life.

Anyway. A couple days before my birthday I got a big fat book shipment from Amazon, and I was so excited to have something new to read that wasn’t True Stories About Horrible Shit In The World. Except that one of the books was “We need to talk about Kevin” and, hah hah, joke’s on me with that one. After that, I (understandably) needed something fluffier to cleanse the palate. “The American Heiress,” you say? I liked Downton Abbey, so I’m into it. Then, right at the exciting part, THE PAGES STOP. As in, page 399, 400, 327, 328…go fuck yourself, book binding! So it’s time to return it. This is where the story begins.

SO YOU WANT TO RETURN A BOOK TO AMAZON AND YOU’RE A TOTAL DOPE?

  • First, can you find the book? Harder than it sounds! Check under the pile of clothes on the floor. No, the other one.
  • Now, go to the Amazon website. Resist the urge to write I NEED TO KNOW IF CORA SETS CHARLOTTE ON FIRE! in the part of the form where it asks what’s wrong with the book.
  • Okay. Now you need to print out the label.
  • You don’t have a printer attached to, or even set up on, your Mac.
  • Never mind, you can find your old printer and hook it up to your old PC. Go down into the basement to look for it.
  • Hmm. Cannot find printer in the place it’s most likely to be.
  • Look through more boxes. Still nowhere to be found.
  • Okay, maybe I can use the eleven year old behemoth desktop PC to print off the labels.
  • Oh, I’ll have to disconnect the wireless network for that to happen.
  • Oh, and the mouse doesn’t work. Scratch that idea. Where IS my printer?
  • Still unable to find it. See brother’s printer hulking in the corner as brother himself is wont to do on occasion.
  • Brainwave!
  • Run upstairs. Grab Mac. Run back downstairs (two flights), plug in printer, annnnnnd…
  • Nothing. Figures.
  • Okay, can I download the driver to make the printer work?
  • It’s a Lexmark printer and apparently they don’t talk to Macs. Oh-KAY, I’m sure someone on the internet has figured out a way around this.
  • Do I have Snow Leopard?
  • Nope.
  • Do I feel like downloading Snow Leopard right this second?
  • NOPE.
  • Okay, that’s not going to work. Download an older version of the driver?
  • Still doesn’t work. Asshole.
  • BRAINWAVE AGAIN. Run upstairs, again that’s two flights, grab ancient laptop of the PC variety, haul it downstairs.
  • Install driver to PC? YES WE CAN.
  • Oh wait, this PC is six hundred years old and takes forever to do everything. Fine. Go eat a peach while the dumb thing does whatever it’s meant to do.
  • It’s installed! Do the closest thing to a happy dance possible OW MY BACK.
  • NO I DO NOT WANT TO PRINT OUT A TEST PAGE.
  • How do I even get the paper in this thing? Ugh, it’s one of those bastard top-loading things.
  • Wow, the printer just yelled at me because I loaded the paper incorrectly. FRIENDSHIP CANCELLED.
  • I DON’T KNOW WHICH OF THE ARROWS IS DARKEST I DON’T CARE JUST LET ME MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.
  • Okay! Amazon.com! Show me the labels I need to print!
  • Click “print.”
  • Why isn’t it printing?
  • Oh, hah hah, you forgot to select THIS printer as your printer of choice rather than the ol’ HP which I couldn’t find. Because WHY ELSE WOULD THIS PRINTER BE ATTACHED TO THE COMPUTER, JUST FOR FUN I GUESS.
  • Labels! Sweet precious labels! Take the two pieces of paper that have taken four hours to procure, as well as your very old PC, back upstairs.
  • Find a box. Prepare to send back your order.
  • …If I don’t have any tape, I am going to goddamn kill myself.

Until next time!

2 thoughts on “So You Want To Return A Book To Amazon And You’re A Total Dope?

  1. Dude, you should get a Kindle. I have over a hundred books (along with access to hundreds of thousands more) in my bag at any one time. Mum, Dad and Adam got it for me for my birthday and it is my new favourite belonging.

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