Things That Should Happen, But Other People Should Do Them Because I Am Lazy-slash-Inept:
- Translate a bunch of Star Trek episodes into Shakespearean English. I’ve heard of plays being performed in Klingon, which is already pretty perfect, but I think this would be even MORE perfect.
- An all-Klingon version of a musical. I’m thinking “Sweet Charity” but the more saccharine the songs are, the better. I should just stop writing right now because the thought of Worf dancing around and singing “If my friends could see me now” is the best thing that has ever been in my head.
- I want to see a buddy crimefighting comedy starring Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz and Isaac Newton. Leibniz will clearly be the young heart-throb while Newton will be the grizzled veteran who’s too old for this shit. In between crimes they can argue about who invented calculus, all while Newton is going crazy. Maybe there are robots and a conspiracy? Admittedly, the plot needs work but I’m still pretty sure one could sell this on spec for a million dollars.
- I know that the Sherlock Holmes stories are a reflection of their time and it’s not literarily correct to apply current values to past works, but HAVE YOU READ THOSE BOOKS? THEY ARE ASTONISHINGLY RACIST. So I’d like an updated story where something happens and the culprit is NOT any of the weird colonial made-up things that Conan-Doyle had going on in his brain, whatever. Let’s fix this shit, shall we, since we love taking Sherlock and making him fight mummies or Jude Law’s hairline or something and have a smart character of colour. Or maybe WATSON HIMSELF COULD BE A GENTLEMAN OF COLOUR. After all, the character of Watson is an established doctor who’s seen military service, so why the hell not? Then Holmes could be going on about phrenology of Africans (or whatever) and Watson could be all, do you hear yourself when you talk? I’m just saying. Idris Elba for Watson in the next Holmes movie! THIS COULD WORK!
- Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr Pepper, you need to be available in more places than just That One Meijer, You Know The One, Next To Where The Borders Used To Be. Because I love you, but you make our relationship hard with your constant unavailability. Satan, help a girl out. You owe me.
- I want my own travel show. The premise is this: The producers send Charlotte and I to a foreign place, keep us awake for like 24 hours, then give us a cup of the strongest coffee imaginable and drop us in the middle of the city. DO YOU KNOW HOW AMAZING THAT TELEVISION WOULD BE. E!, Bravo, we’re waiting for your call.
- Someone should make Valium muffins. Those would be some good muffins. Wait, is Valium flammable? The internet can’t tell me. I feel like if it is, that would be a problem and in which case, it should be added to icecream instead. Or milkshakes! Then my milkshakes could bring all the boys to the yard and make them pleasant to be around!
- Full disclosure: I took a Valium before I started writing this and as I said on Facebook, it’s like being kicked in the head by the fluffiest cloud ever. I take it for the spasms I have in my neck and back since the muscle relaxant stopped working, and it really does help (once again, car accidents are THE WORST).
- Why don’t you see more blimps? I feel like that would be a fun way to travel because you could walk around like on a cruise ship. Except that cruise ships are my idea of hell, because you are trapped in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of people you don’t know but will probably not like. Except that if-slash-when I were driven to make a run for it from a ship, I’d have a slightly better chance of survival because I can swim. Whereas if I tried to escape from a blimp there is NO chance of survival because I can’t fly. So, fuck blimps. And cruise ships too, I guess.
- Everyone should learn the words to this song because it’s awesome:
She won’t get up! She won’t go out! Baby, what’s it all about?
What do you guys think? What do YOU want someone else (not you) to do because it would be awesome?