The shut-in starter kit: More ridiculous reasons for not leaving the house

Dear (please circle one) Friend/Aspiring date/Creepnasty/Frenemy,

I am unable to go out with you tonight/tomorrow night/Friday/Saturday because:

  • I’m flying out on a private plane first thing in the morning.
  • I have to get up early to play with loaded guns.
  • I can’t move my neck.
  • Time seems to be moving differently today. (This after I took two hours to brush my hair)
  • I’m stuck in an endless TV Tropes loop.
  • My hands won’t stop shaking, goddammit.
  • I can’t talk about it.
  • I don’t want to talk about it.
  • I have to teach my mother how to breathe.
  • I heard a loud noise.
  • Therapy left me a quivering shell of a human.
  • An owl hung out on the roof outside my window all night hooting its fool head off.
  • The steroids I have to take for my injuries are making me manic.
  • Shit is wack, dude.

Regards,
A.M.

As always, these have been reasons which sound made up, but are totally legitimate. Especially the shit being wack one. Because shit is being WACK.

Oh well. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

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