In the beginning, there was the fin and the teeth. Then there was the word, and the word was good.
Then came a wise man unto us, and he bringeth the word and he broughteth us from the benthic waters of doubt and into the warm tropical oceans OF TRUTH.
His words were the way and the light. Behold:
This week we celebrate the High Holy Holiday of Shark Week. Amen.
That’s right. It’s officially SHARK WEEK on Discovery Channel, and I am beyond excited. This year’s lineup looks pretty solid; Jaws Comes Home was very good last night, and I’m looking forward to How Sharks Hunt and Shark City. Air Jaws, of course, remains a classic.
I’ve been obsessed with sharks since I was a little girl, and as an adult I’m still absolutely, passionately in love. So what does it mean to live every week like it’s Shark Week? Check out a small sample of the stuff around my house:
Blurriness is charming, right? DON’T JUDGE MY ARTISTIC CHOICES. This book is ancient. I begged Mama Malice to buy it for me when I was seven. She was pleased that I was reading things other than straight-up textbooks, but then had to listen to my VERY GRAPHIC descriptions of shark attacks for weeks on end.
You might think Hammerhead is the cuddliest shark ever, right? WRONG, he’s not even the cuddliest shark IN A TEN-FOOT RADIUS. Because check this dude out:
Just in case you needed some perspective, John Locke is like five feet long. Bigger is always better when it comes to sharks and marshmallows.
But Alle, I imagine you’re saying. Slippers and toys are okay, but is it possible to show your love of sharks sartorially?
Oh. You bet.
MOTHERTRUCKIN’ SHARK PANTS.
I take it you’re all dying of jealousy right now? It’s understandable, they are clearly the greatest pants ever photographed.
Also pictured: American Apparel dress hitched up and worn as shirt, extremely painful sunburn and tanlines, hair unwashed for five straight days, hairtie by Chanel.
Watch out, stylebloggers! I’m coming for you!
But Alle, you say again, is there any way to make shark pants EVEN MORE AWESOME? Maybe by adding something to the upper body region?
You’re damn right there is!
And as you can see, John Locke snuck into the pictures. I let him, of course.
Whoever you are, wherever you are, I hope that you enjoy this most important of holidays. May you carry the spirit of Shark Week in your heart all the year through and, yes, live every week like it’s Shark Week.
John Locke commands it.