I’m writing this the night before I skip town again. I’ve been told to pack for four days, but I could easily be gone for a week, so please don’t worry if this blog collects dust for the next seven days. Not that you would. You’re all so patient!
Anyway. This weekend a friend of mine admitted he was watching Hitch for dating advice. Obviously I was immediately like WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT, MOVIES GIVE TERRIBLE ADVICE. Because they really do! In fact, most of the time they flat-out lie to you. When you’re young and impressionable and believe umbrellas will make you fly, it’s cute. When you’re an adult, it’s…less so.
Here’s a list of seven lies the movies taught me were true.
1. Your best friend is the one for you.
I’ve been very lucky with my hetero male friends. They’re all wonderful dudes who will totally make some girl very happy someday. That being said, the thought of sexy-touching any of them gives me THE SCREAMING ICKS. There are a lot of different kinds of love, and I love my guy friends in a totally different way than I love my boyfriends. And anyway, when you’ve known anyone for ten plus years, the mystery required for a romantic relationship kind of goes out the window, you know?
2. Weddings are the end.
I’m not married, but even I know that this is a crock of shit. Getting married doesn’t mean you get to throw up your hands and say “Finally! The hard times are over!” because LIFE IS A BUNCH OF HARD TIMES. And if you tether your heart to another heart (not to mention giving birth to other hearts, which is a whole other thing) then simple math determines that you’ll have exponentially more hard times. But! You’ll also have way more awesome times! Because that’s how life goes, too.
3. Everyone thinks artsy girls are ugly.
Sure, there’s a small contingent of people in the world who only recognise cheerleaders as attractive, but these people make up MAYBE 2% of the entire population. And that 2% isn’t the people you’d expect. I call this phenomenon The Juno Hypothesis after this line in the movie:
- “Jocks always want freaky girls: girls with horn-rimmed glasses, and vegan footwear, and Goth makeup…Girls who, like, play the cello and read McSweeney’s and want to be childrens’ librarians when they grow up. Oh, yeah, jocks totally eat that shit up.”
The most straight-laced seeming people always want the freaks. I don’t know why, but it happens. This explains so much about my dating life, you have no idea.
But anyway. Sure, maybe in high school you alternative dudes and girls won’t get the attention you deserve, but afterwards? Suitors from all corners. Be tortured and artistic and wear a lot of black. It’s a classic look for a reason.
4. All bad boys/girls will immediately reform when they meet “the right one.”
It seems a little pessimistic to say that people don’t change. Instead I’ll say that people CAN change, but they seldom do. Don’t ever date anyone you need to change in order to tolerate them. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
5. Opposites attract.
They might attract, but do they stay together? If it please the court, I’d like to present exhibit A: my parents. Mama Malice is as highly strung as Papa Malice is laid-back. Mama Malice is super-emotional; Papa Malice is a Vulcan. These two spent ten years deliriously in love and then another ten fighting ALL THE TIME and scarring their oldest child forever. This makes me think that like + like is a much better match than opposites.
6. Everything happens for a reason.
Nobody wants to hear it from a cancer survivor, but sometimes things just HAPPEN. You didn’t get dumped specifically so that you could meet your husband, and you didn’t lose your job because there’s a perfect job out there JUST WAITING for you to take it. Everything always works out in the movies and serendipity plays a huge part in that. Not so in the real world.
7. Grand romantic gestures are wonderful.
They almost always come off as creepy. I’m just saying.
What do you guys think? Am I horribly off base? Let me have it in the comments, and I’ll see you when I’m home.