“What kind of a shitfactory doesn’t take AmEx?” and other First World Problems

On Sunday I went to to brunch with Mama Malice and my Godmother. I’m going to be real: Brunch isn’t my thing, and I’m really glad it hasn’t caught on in Chicago like it has in, say, New York. I’m all for day drinking and I’m all for eggs, but I just don’t think we need to combine the two AND ALSO get up at like 10 so that we can be eating at 11. Big cup of fucking no thankyou right here, guys.

But I digress. We went to brunch and were lucky enough to be seated next to a table of THE MOST OVERENTITLED WOMEN IN HISTORY. They were drinking heavily and talking loudly, and there was no way that we could avoid overhearing their conversation. Which was as priceless as it was sincerely meant. I wrote some of the best stuff on a napkin, which I will now share in a section called…

Overheard at brunch: FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!

  • “I let (husband) book the hotel in Baja, and when we got there, it was a CABIN. And it had ONE room!”
  • “I went somewhere new for a pedicure and they were so rough on my feet. It was like torture. Literal torture.”
  • “I only went to pilates three times last week and my trainer charged me for four sessions. Can you believe that?” (This provoked a horrified reaction from the rest of the table)
  • “It makes me feel out of place. I have to go to Starbucks. What do you do when the maid is at your house?”
  • “He bought a Range Rover, but I REALLY wanted him to buy her an Escalade. Eighteen is a special birthday!”
  • “What kind of shitfactory doesn’t take AmEx?” (Said so loudly that I snarfed orange juice out my nose and we all started laughing)
  • “This is unacceptable. It’s like they’ve NEVER MADE AN ESPRESSO BEFORE.”
  • “Why is it so hard to find bottomless Mimosas in this town?”
  • “I’m thin, but I’m not THIN thin.”
  • “My neighbour asked why we didn’t adopt a dog. Because I wanted a fucking Labradoodle, that’s why!” (As said by “shitfactory” woman)
  • “I’m not going to that wedding. I told her it was because (kid) has college tours, but we were just IN the Bahamas in spring.”
  • “Our Tivo hasn’t worked all week. It’s like living in (lowers voice) poor Africa!

I hope you all had the most glorious weekends! I spent mine scraping sunburned skin off my chest. But that’s a (very gross) story for another (probably also very gross) time.

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