Things I Didn’t Know About Babies That Make Me Slightly Less Stressed Out About Them:
- Babies are sturdy. Whenever someone asks me to hold their baby, I have that horrible moment where I think “Shit! I don’t want to break it!” but it turns out that it’s pretty much impossible to break one just by holding it. It’s also easier to hold a baby than I thought, but it gets increasingly harder the longer you have to do it.
- Babies are dictators. They will fake-cry to get you to do things, and frankly that’s the kind of emotional manipulation I can respect.
- Babies find strange things funny. Pretending to eat their hands while making weird noises. Sticking out your tongue. Booping their tummies (that’s when you poke them and go “BOOP!” if you’re wondering). I mean, they aren’t going to get puns or political satire or anything, but it’s nice to occasionally bring the house down by peeking through your fingers and saying “I see you!” in a high-pitched voice.
- Babies have personalities. I figured that babies were amorphous, screaming blobs until they learned to talk, but it turns out that’s not the case. Noted.
- Babies are strong. A baby gave me the Vulcan neck pinch yesterday and holy crap, he’s got some strength in those little chubby fingers. The same baby tried to pick my pocket not but five seconds later. He’s lucky he’s cute or he’d be tethered to a chain gang right now. Watch your step, baby OH WAIT YOU CAN’T WALK YET.
- Babies have a smell. And it’s really, really nice. I seriously don’t know how parents don’t just sit around, smelling their babies all day long. That said, telling parents that their baby smells really good is generally frowned upon. You’re meant to say that they’re cute instead, which is why it’s so lucky that…
- Babies are cute. Stop the presses, I KNOW. They have supertiny clothes and shoes, and big eyes and chubby bodies that are all good-smelling, and even when they’re screaming at you and you’re like WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS CHILD, they still manage to be adorable. You just can’t get away with that kind of behaviour as an adult. Believe me, I’ve tried.
So basically, did you know that I hung out with a baby yesterday? He was really round and adorable and well-behaved, except for when he tried to steal my phone. I was all “WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO CALL, YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW YOUR FINGERS WORK YET” and he just grinned and I was like, sigh, you don’t even know how funny I’m being right now. I’m going to pretend to nibble your foot instead. That is the height of comedy when you’re five months old, I guess, so it all worked out.
The moral of the story is, save your best material for people who can talk. Hilarious delivery is wasted on babies. Just smell their heads instead.