The last couple of weeks, you guys, holy crap. A sampling of things I’ve been doing: Attacking muggers, chasing embassy cars through the streets of Chicago, staring at dead bodies, helping friends with Feelings, traveling, WORKING. Plus I’ve been the recipient of some grade-A passive aggressive ex-boyfriend baloney, which is awesome. VOMIT NOISES. It’s even led to me having some Feelings of my own–assuming “go to hell” is a feeling–and so for this week I’ve made a list of stuff I need to bear in mind when things get to be too much. Maybe you need to keep one or two points in mind as well? Probably not #2, though. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person over the age of five who needs to write that down.
Shit I’m Going To Try Really Hard to Keep In Mind This Week:
A LISTS! LISTS! LISTS! Production
1. It’s okay to have your own life. No, really! Spending every waking moment panicking about what people will do/will not do with or without your presence is fucking insanely counterproductive, and now that I think about it, is pretty insane period. Most people can take care of themselves without you holding their hands every step of the way, and if they can’t, guess what? They’re about to learn. People CAN learn to cope. Stop freaking out.
2. RESTRAINT! Mini Eggs are in stores again because it is almost Easter. You may (hypothetically) be tempted to buy BAGS AND BAGS AND BAGS AND BAGS of the milk chocolate ones and stockpile them for the months to come. This is a delusion! Dizzy with the joy of having a dozen (hypothetical) bags of candy in your house, you will eat them all in like a month. That is WAY too much chocolate. It won’t give you pimples like we were told it would as kids or poison you like it would a dog, but maybe it should because that would serve you right. Buy one bag at a time, asshole; you don’t have the self-restraint to be a hoarder.
3. You like being happy. You might have recently realised that you don’t remember what it’s like to be happy in a romantic relationship (which is depressing), but there’s always hope! I mean, Donald Trump is a homophobic, overly orange man with the worst haircut on the planet, and even he’s found someone who wants to touch his genitals. He’s also been divorced once or twice (I think it’s twice but I don’t care enough to fact check) so that means that even someone who is genuinely hateful has been loved MULTIPLE times. Are you more loathsome than Donald Trump? IT’S NOT POSSIBLE. So EXACTLY.
4. Quit feeling inferior, oh my god. Have you MET you? You’re fantastic. Every day of your life you get to wake up and be you! You make a living doing the one thing you’ve always loved to do, and you don’t even have to put pants on to do it. You’re clever and you’re witty and you’re sharp as hell. You can turn a phrase like nobody’s business. You have a fancy, fancy mind in a world where most people are lucky to have average minds, so accept the gifts you’ve got.
Oh wait, you’re feeling physically inferior? Shut up. You are 5’10, you wear a size 4, you have perfect boobs. Seriously, do you need to go and check those suckers out? Goddamn. And I know that you were kind of too busy starving yourself to have paid much attention, but do you not remember your modeling career? YEAH. That is the genetic lottery right there, you won it, and that mere fact is awesome. And guess what? YOU ARE STILL AWESOME. More awesome, even, because you eat now and that makes you more fun to be around. Quit psyching yourself out!
5. People are okay. Seriously, they aren’t all dickbags who’ll hurt your feelings and make you cry (shhh, this never happened) (except that it did). Your general policy of not trusting people unless you already trust them is weird and insular, and I get that it’s a protective measure. But it’s pretty important to get to know and trust new people, even if those new people go on to do shitty things to you, because…because even if they hurt you, you learn something? Or it’s worth it because it means you’re feeling? Yeah, okay, this one is a hard sell. How about “trust new people because if you don’t, you’ll never get laid again.” THAT’S realistic. Truth in journalism, people.
6. Care about others as much as they care about you. Don’t let lip service baloney be your guide, either, because anyone can SAY that they care. Like I can SAY that I care deeply about model railroads. See that? And I don’t give a shit. Look for demonstrable indicators, like whether they’re there for you when you need them, whether they return calls, texts and emails, etc. Now monitor your interactions accordingly. For some people, this means you should start caring a lot more. For others, a lot less.
7. Don’t lose sleep over it. You know what I’m fucking talking about.
8. Writing lists is a great way to feel like you’re in control of the uncontrollable, but you know you aren’t, right? RIGHT? You probably need to be reminded of that occasionally, you adorable little control freak, you. Things happen. People do what they do. All you can do is control the way that you respond. And if that involves cursing, watching shitty movies (A Walk to Remember!) and braiding tiny sections of your hair until you feel better, that’s just fine. Weird, but fine.
9. It’s okay to not work 18 hours every day. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t do that; your left eye is looking really bloodshot and you cringe every time you open your word processor. Take a nap.
10. No matter where you live, what you do, who you date or who your friends are, you’re still going to have problems. You might even have some of the same ones that you have now, because some of those problems come from inside of you. This is scary, because a lot of life has felt like an uphill battle and you’re ready for things to be easier. Things won’t be easier, and changing zip codes or countries can’t change that. But keep in mind that you are a resourceful thing. There’s never been a problem you couldn’t get to the bottom of, even if sometimes that hasn’t worked out the way you wanted. So if anyone can sort these unspecified anxiety-causing future problems out, it’s YOU. YOU WILL BE FINE, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
I promise that this week there will be a minimum of three blog posts! If I don’t have time to write them, I will MAKE time. That’s right, my dear sweet readers; I will CREATE MORE HOURS IN THE DAY FOR YOU. That’s how much I care.