Ask Alle: The three-line advice edition

Could it be? Another installment of Ask Alle? YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT!

Today’s gimmick is that I’m going to try to answer all questions completely in three lines. Can I do it? Only time will tell. As always, questions have been edited (occasionally extensively) for clarity and to remove identifying information.

Alle Malice has a B.A. in Psychology, which is basically a degree in seeing through other people’s bullshit. She also has a BA in English, but that’s not really relevant. Though she does not pretend to have it all figured out, she does have enough figured out to be helpful.

I’m 15 and I’ve been dating this guy for three weeks and we’re bf/gf but he won’t change his relationship status on Facebook. What does this mean?

It means one of three things: 1) you’re a secret, 2) someone else is being kept a secret from you, or 3) he wants to keep up appearances in order to chase other girls. In high school, these are pretty much the only reasons people have for not making their relationships public; usually you get them to STOP. Use your good  judgment, but I say bail now before it gets messy.

In high school, I had a lot of guy friends but I was always “the fat girl” and none of them liked me as anything more than a friend. I recently lost a lot of weight, moved away & started college and now there are lots of guys who seem to like me. But I still feel like the fat girl that nobody loves. How do I get over it?

This is too complicated an issue to answer in three lines, so please excuse me as I get a little long-winded.

As someone who has not always had the healthiest relationship with her body, I speak as someone who knows when I say that your weight does not define you. It takes a long time to break habits, especially mental ones, so the way that you’re feeling right now is about par for the course. Don’t beat yourself up because your mind is taking a minute to catch up with the rest of you.

The thing is, though, that you can’t get stuck looking back at the way that people USED to treat you. Changing the way you see yourself and the way you expect to be treated is really hard; I’ve found that it’s way harder than changing your body. The only advice I can give you is that YOU are the boss of your feelings, and even if it takes forever, you need to get those suckers in line. Every day, remind yourself that no matter what you look like or how much you weigh, you are AMAZING and you deserve to be loved FOR you. And beyond that, you’re in college now. You can learn anything that you want! A wise, educated woman is a confident woman, and a confident woman is a happy woman.

Good luck, girl. I’m rooting for you.

I like this guy and we talk in class, but not out because we’re in different cliques. I want him to know that I like him, but I don’t know how to flirt without embarrassing myself.

The best advice I’ve ever gotten about this is that flirting is just talking. If it’s the talking part that’s tripping you up, try written communication instead–Facebook chat (if it doesn’t crash your browser), texting, etc–until you’ve established an easier rapport. Get to know each other and find some common ground outside of class to talk about; be your charming self and see what develops.

My friend told me that he has feelings for me, but I only like him as a friend. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I don’t want him to think that there’s anything more. What can I do?

He’s been really honest with you, and so you have to be honest too: tell him that you value him as a friend but not as a boyfriend, and that your feelings won’t change. Don’t let him walk away holding out hope for a future that won’t come. I’ll be real, you might lose him as a friend; that’s sometimes how these things work out. It also might make you better friends; that’s sometimes how these things work out, too.

I’m dating a guy who told me he had a “colorful” past with the law. He was honest about some things, but not all of them. (Details redacted, but OH MY GOD) Is this a dealbreaker?

Yes yes YES. Youthful indiscretions are one thing, but felonies are quite another. You deserve better than this, so run away before he turns your skin into a lampshade and find it.

I met a girl who is perfect but hates dogs. Dealbreaker?

If she was attacked by a dog then okay, understandable. Otherwise, HOW DO YOU HATE DOGS? Does she hate rainbows and unicorns and sunshine, too? Jeez. Dealbreaker!

Tribal armband: Dealbreaker?

Unless they’re an actual member of a tribe, then you betcha: IMMEDIATE DEALBREAKER.

As always, if you’ve got a question, don’t hesitate to ask. If I can’t be helpful, I’ll be funny and if I can’t be funny, I’ll tell an embarrassing story. SEE THAT? YOU CAN’T LOSE.

Loves you!

3 thoughts on “Ask Alle: The three-line advice edition

  1. Facebook: I think the Facebook status thing depends on what it is. I left mine blank for the longest time. If it said “Single”, I’d be a little hmm about it, but if it was just blank, he might just be someone that doesn’t like to advertise whether he’s going out with someone or not.

    Fat girl in self image only: This is something a psychologist should answer. The only person that sees this is you. The only person whose opinion should matter, apart from a professional health care specialist, is yours. You have a new beginning and a new opportunity to live your life as the person you want to be. Not everyone is so lucky. Good luck!

    Flirting: Flirting is a combination of physical actions and talking. It’s mostly talking, but guys are dumb and terrible at visual cues. I know you hate the PUA stuff Alle, but as an example it’s no secret that mirroring actions will subliminally indicate attraction. Being genuinely happy & being yourself will work wonders too. If they’re not attracted to you being you, it won’t last anyway, so the only reason to act like someone you’re not is for a one night stand.

    Guy in the Friend Zone: He’ll either be the best friend you could ever ask for, or part ways (which is not so bad either). If the guy is smart enough, he’ll make you his wingman. Or if you really value the friendship and he can deal with it, you can offer to be his wingman. Ladies make the best wing-ladies, doubly so if they’re smokin’ hot. Just don’t drunk dial him. Ever.

    Dog hating girl: A dog will love you regardless of who you date. Just sayin’… Doesn’t matter how perfect she is.

    Tribal armband: Unless he is in a tribe, dealbreaker.

  2. I started following you blog a few weeks ago and it was a great decision!!! Dispise the fact that there some phrases I don’t get (I’m Chile = South America = Spanish!) I have a lot of fun reading you and your adventures.

    That’s all.

    Greetings from this small and farway place…

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