The Deal-Sealers

Yesterday, I wrote about Dealbreakers: those horrible things that stop an otherwise perfectly good date or relationship in its tracks. But what about the opposite? What are the things that take an ordinary dude go from “whatever” to “OMG YOU ARE AWESOME”? I decided I wanted to write about the anti-dealbreakers. But first, what are these things even called?

I asked the internet.

A deal-sealer? REALLY? I hated it immediately, but it took me a minute to figure out why. And then I realised.

“Oh, wait, what time is it? Oh, God, seal the deal. My seal deal! I’ve got to get to Sea Land. I’m selling five of their sickest seals to a third world zoo!”
“Did you say…seals?”
“I told you four hours ago, I sell seals! God, do you ever listen to what I say?”
“I’m sorry I don’t memorize every single word that comes out of your mouth! Sometimes I just like to think. Think my thoughts.”
“Oh, we’ll talk about this when I get home.”

GOB’s wife is a fucking seal dealer. So of course I couldn’t stop thinking about Arrested Development, which made me want to watch Arrested Development… basically this was not a good association for me to make while trying to work.

But sick seals aside, what are my deal-sealers? What are the things that make me decided that I want to be with a certain person? Turns out they were harder to pinpoint than their counterparts, but I think I managed.

1. You like my friends.

It’s a sad fact of life that, being an intercontinental transplant, anyone I date will probably only ever know 50% of my friends. But whichever half you get to know, they are incredibly important to me, and if you genuinely like them I like you even more. It shows that you can fit into my established life–and also that you have good taste.

This turns into a dealbreaker if you like my friends TOO much; no, I’ve never had sex with any of my hot ladyfriends, and no, we’re not having a three-way. And you’re gross. Now get the fuck out.

2. You can admit to being uncool.

If you kept a running tally of all the geeky, stupid or saccharine things that I like enough to mention on this blog, you’d probably wear out your pen. I know it’s become slightly more socially acceptable to be a nerd these days, but if you can admit to liking the early work of Britney Spears or reading Lord of the Rings twice a year every year, you are golden. There’s nothing worse than people who equate being cool with only liking obscure, hip things. Oh wait, yes there is: Making others feel bad for liking the “mainstream” things they like (the pretentious indie hipster mentality is so 2007). Admit to nerding out to whatever it is you nerd out to is awesome, and if I nerd out for the same stuff? Even better.

This turns into a dealbreaker if you’re better at the Single Ladies dance than I am. I said GAHDDAMN.

3. You feed me.

If you feed me, chances are I’ll keep coming back. I’m like a really tall raccoon who loves sandwiches and Taco Bell.

This turns into a dealbreaker when…okay, I’ll be real, this almost never turns into a dealbreaker.

4. You are respectful of my time.

You’re on time when we meet up. You call when you say you will. You follow through on plans when we make them. Showing me that you value my time and my presence demonstrates that you like me. It also shows that you’re kind of person I can rely on for small things, which generally means I can rely on you for bigger things. That’s something that everyone wants, and me especially.

This turns into a dealbreaker if you’re totally rigid with plans and…okay, I really can’t see this ever being a dealbreaker.

5. You tell me how you feel.

If you like me, it’s really important that you flat-out tell me. If you wait around for me to figure it out, your ass will be old and wrinkly before that lightbulb over my head goes off. I’m not really good with subtle social cues, so the less room you give me to misinterpret things, the better.

This turns into a dealbreaker if you have serial killer-esque lack of affect. There’s only room in my heart for one mass-murderer at a time, thanks, so unless your name is Dexter you can take a hike.

6. You ignore my accent.

This hasn’t happened yet, ever, but just once I’d like to meet a dude who didn’t start a conversation by saying “Australia? I’ve always wanted to go there!” From here, we can get into a really exciting conversation about flight times and airports! Is too sexy! I like my accent and how I talk, but I like people to pay attention to what I’m saying, not get stuck on how I’m saying it.

This turns into a dealbreaker if you say anything even remotely approaching “If I hang out with you long enough, I’m going to start talking like you! I pick up on accents sooooo quickly!” Isn’t that special.

7. You have your own life.

I’m a strong, independent woman and I like to do things on my own. I like to have my own time and my own life and do my own thing. I am totally psyched when guys I date have busy lives because it only speaks highly of them; you have your own projects and your own social scene and a whole buttload of people who love you. All that tells me that you’re awesome.

This can turn into a dealbreaker in a couple different ways: A) You refuse to give me any space in your world. This includes not introducing me to your friends, not making any time for me or not letting me sleep at your house. I don’t take up much space, but I’m also not a bare minimum girl. Bye. B) You get me very involved in your life but refuse to be involved in mine. This includes not talking to my friends and refusing to be my date anywhere. If I have a boyfriend, I want to actually have a boyfriend. Again, bye.

8. You’re an atheist.

Nothing gives me a ladyboner like a man who doesn’t believe in an afterlife. It tells me that you’re rational, and that is a very attractive trait to me.

You know, for no apparent reason.

This can turn into a dealbreaker if you’re a dick about it. It’s okay to believe in a God, or a bunch of them, or none at all, but you don’t get to be disrespectful to other people–or me–about their beliefs or lack thereof. There’s more than one way to live a life, you know?

LOVES YOU!

4 thoughts on “The Deal-Sealers

  1. 1. You like my friends.
    As long as they’re not boring robots, I’m pretty sure I’ll like your friends. You have good taste.

    2. You can admit to being uncool.
    I wear spandex for my favourite sport. The day that becomes cool is the day that humanity has lost all fashion sense.

    3. You feed me.
    Giggidy Deal.

    4. You are respectful of my time.
    Or I could just be respectful of you and that you are your own person, and keep my word.

    5. You tell me how you feel.
    You know how I feel Alle, I tell you all the time…

    6. You ignore my accent.
    What accent? It’s everyone else that has the strange accent.

    7. You have your own life.
    As long as you’re ok with me being completely batshit crazy in my own time and possibly spending too much money on sporting goods, we have an understanding.

    8. You’re an atheist.
    Well……. crap. Would you be ok with a guy who by didn’t have any choice in the matter, doesn’t go to church and holds religion to the same level of belief as unicorns, santa and easter bunnies, all of which are arguably cooler – unicorns shit rainbows, santa gives presents and the easter bunny gives chocolate?

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