Wind It Up: Alle Malice and the Year That Wasn’t

Dear 2010,

Thanks for being a way better year than 2009. I really appreciate you not making me want to throw myself in front of a train.

I kid, I kid. You’ve been very good to me. You were the year in which I began making a living doing what I love–writing–and this blog has played no small part in that. You were also the year I kicked cancer’s ass, took a serious romantic risk (which didn’t pay off, but whatever), went to New York AND started working out. Those things alone would have made this a banner year, especially compared to 2009.

But you know what? As I’m sitting here, congratulating myself on keeping such a complete record of everything that happened, I realise that there are MAJOR events I haven’t even touched upon! So join me, won’t you? As we look back on the year that was in a segment I like to call:

Alle Malice and the The Year That Wasn’t: Everything that happened and I forgot to write about.

Dear Diary,

This year I was a classy and elegant lady at the Modern Wing of the Art Institute.


The friends who invited me were so proud!

I had a vision of my future…

It was very romantic.

Speaking of romance, I reunited with the bird that swooped me the last time I was at the zoo.

What an asshole.

Also, did you know I went to Cincinnati?

Because I TOTALLY did.

2010 was The Year That Perth Came To Chicago. First visitor: Natalie!

I was so happy to see her, I even excused all the jokes she made about my American-Australian hybrid accent.

The next visitor was Belinda!

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Our night descended into INCREDIBLE MADNESS. I cannot even tell you. How I got home without being raped or murdered will forever be a mystery to me.

I got my front teefs filed down. They had gotten kind of chipped & I felt really insecure about it.

Glamourous!

And speaking of EXTREME GLAMOUR, Charlotte and I took a road trip to Columbus to see Kill Hannah and–wait for it–SMASHING PUMPKINS. What an amazing show.

As usual, we were a little overdressed for truck stop bathrooms.

And we had really amazing music to listen to on the way.

Even as Tom Raper was raping EVERYTHING UP IN HERE.

If you’re counting, yes: this is the second time I went to Ohio this year.

But of course, I had really good company. Aww.

This year in fashion choices…

I started wearing shorts. YEAH, I KNOW, RIGHT?

I learned to cook. Mostly from spending so much time with my Wondertwin and the Wonderfamily.

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I don’t remember what holiday this amazing meal was for. Labour day? Memorial day? Clicks and whistles!

And then I did something kind of crazy…

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I cut six inches of hair off, sparking a mini-panic among the people who love me best. To them, “Alle getting a significant hair cut” is synonymous with “Alle is about three seconds away from killing herself.” Don’t worry! I was fine!

I got a photo of Junkie, the junkyard dog

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So handsome!

I turned 26 and failed to do anything superfun.

But I did eat some really good cake.

I saw Ghostbusters for the first time in my life.

And I saw it DRUNK and OUTSIDE, which is amazing.

Chris also introduced me to my soulmate, something for which I’ll be forever greatful…

You complete me, Pizza Goldfish.

Char and I got weird in photobooths across the nation…

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Or across Deville. Same thing.

And then I moved. It was very stressful. I found myself in the grips of a six-hour panic attack and clutching a hammer all day long.

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Because that’s not weird or anything, right?

I hung out in a very fancy hotel…

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Alas, Chuck Bass did not show up.

I started a fitness campaign, which began with EXERCISE and also COOKING HEALTHILY.

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Turns out I’m pretty good at it.

Maybe most importantly, one day while I was sick and cranky (and sick of being cranky) I began rewatching the most important show of our time…

This is the show that taught me how to have relationships. Also how to cast longing looks at the object of my affection.

I spent quite a lot of time at my spiritual home, Filter.

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Say hello to all the other dirty hipsters!

Then I became an analrapist…

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My analrapy stocking is at the cleaners, or I’d analrape you right now.

And I also bought the most AMAZING SHOES KNOWN TO MAN, SERIOUSLY.

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Compare your life to mine and then kill yourself.

Not speaking of killing yourself at all, guess who’s back for the holidays?

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That’s right, Kelsey and Derek! You may remember their wedding and resulting eye twitch. They craved Portillos and I swear to god, I thought they’d cry from happiness when they were eating it. Not that I saw them eating it, of course; they basically unhinged their jaws and swallowed their meals whole. Scary!

Anyway, that’s been today. I wonder what’s going to happen tomorrow?

Love Alle.

So, 2010. Thanks for being a pretty decent year. I’ll be sure to say hello to 2011 for you, because that bitch is MINE.

And now, if you’ll all excuse me, I’m going to go sit huddled in a corner. I just saw Black Swan and I loved it, but I think it’s messed me up for life.

Loves you!

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