Dear 2009…

(Image via Flickr)

Dear 2009,

You have been a horrible year. Absolutely, totally horrible. I said in around October or so that if the rest of the year was nothing but rainbows and puppies, you would still go down in history as the worst year of my life & I totally stand by that.

Recap: Family health crises, dumped via transatlatic phone call, leaving Australia again, heartsick, what was probably Swine Flu, sick for two months straight, went half deaf, party life begins to spiral out of control, bad decisions, low self esteem, rumors & scandal, sick again, mo’ money mo’ problems, batshit craziness, legal retainers, threats of physical violence, kidney infection, cyberbullying and relational aggression GALORE, sick again, trust issues, space issues, family dramz, CANCER–and that basically brings us to now.

To put it mildly, you’ve been challenging. But you know what else? All of these little ministories, each of which seemed totally insurmountable while I was living through it, can all be summed up the same way. Observe.

In 2009, I had cancer. I’m okay now.
In 2009, some people I trusted hurt me very badly. I’m okay now.
In 2009, I totally lost control of my life. I’m okay now.


You have been nothing short of a grotesque, bloody fistfight, 2009. But it’s been worth it. Know why?

Because I came out ahead.

I learned some fucking horrible lessons this year, mostly about trusting other people. ALL of these lessons sucked outrageously and I wish that none of it ever happened. But since it has, I’m looking at it all as a kind of a test: after all, you never get hurt in places that are well defended. This was just the world’s way of telling me to toughen up my soft spots. And I did and I have, and I CHOOSE to only benefit from this in good ways going forward. You’re not going to make me mistrust the world, 2009. I won’t damage a single relationship because of you. I’m making changes, of course: For example, I’m going to let people earn my trust rather than giving it away immediately, because that’s the smart thing to do. But I’m not going to become hard. Ever.

It would be easy to dwell on the relationships I’ve lost to you, 2009, but I won’t. What’s more worthwhile is focusing on the amazing people I’ve met, grown closer to and kept in my life. I’ve got girlfriends who are amazing; mature, together ladies who are more supportive and incredible than I even thought was possible. And I’ve got boyfriends who protect me, who make me laugh, who just so happen to share a brain with me. I love all of these people more than anything has ever been loved, because only now do I fully appreciate how rare they really are.

You haven’t broken me down, 2009. You’ve only made me stronger. I’ve made it through and I am still sane, composed and positive. You haven’t made me cynical. All you’ve done is show me how horrible things can get, and how well I can come through them. In short, if I can handle you, I can handle anything.

So bring on 2010. I’m excited and I’m ready.

Loves you!

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