Before I tell you where I am or what I’m doing, I want to stop for a minute and say thankyou. These last few weeks have been rough, and I am amazed at how much love and support I’ve gotten from every source. There were times this year where I really thought that nobody cared about me and I would never have friends again. I look at my life now and I am awed by how many incredible people are in it and how much they care. My heart is so full of love for you that I can’t express it properly, so imagine me yelling “THANKYOU!” and throwing my arms around your neck & you’ll have an idea of how moved and thankful I am.
Anyway. I’m back in Naperville now and I’m getting ready for the next rounds of tests. My biopsy results came back last week and they were not good. What’s going to happen now is something called a colposcopy, where my (new) doctor has a look around at my cervix and takes some more tissue samples. She’ll also take a sample from my uterus to check the cell abnormalities in the endometrial walls. So think of me on Thursday; I’ll have a camera up my cooch. I know! It’s like the party NEVER STOPS!
Mama Malice is quite upset that I’ve been writing about what’s happening with my health, not to mention VISIBLY SHAKEN that I have discussed it! Out loud! WITH BOYS! “I know I always say that it’s good to be open and honest” she said over dinner last night. “But maybe you should be a little LESS open and honest.”
I don’t agree. Dude, when my doctor called and told me that I had some weird blood levels and an irregular pap smear which could mean cancer, do you know how scared I was? I was TERRIFIED. And do you know what I found on the internet? Outdated textbook material and hysterical propaganda calling me a dirty whore who brought this on herself via premarital sex. Neither of which are accurate. Do you think I could find one personal account that told me “Does a colposcopy hurt?” Do you think that anyone was talking about whether or not I’ll still be able to have kids after all this shit? No. I could not.
From what my female friends have told me, I’m not the first one to go through this. I may be the first one to have precancerous/cancerous cells, but I am not alone by ANY means when it comes to dealing with this. I’m just not embarrassed to talk about it. My reproductive organs are body parts like any other. I am not a dirty whore with HPV–I don’t even have HPV, but while I’m on the subject, let’s discuss how nobody even knows how that virus is transmitted, how 1 in 3 people in the US carries it, how dudes are the ones who spread it but can’t be tested, how most strains do not cause warts, how it doesn’t cause cervical cancer but is a huge risk factor for it and how vaccines like Gardasil are amazing and readily available. And then let’s discuss that all of these things were told to me by my doctor yet were NOT all in one place on the internet.
So, you know what? Yeah. I’m going to talk about this. I’m going to tell you that a cursory biopsy is uncomfortable, but what’s REALLY uncomfortable is walking around with numbed-up insides. I’ll tell you what a colposcopy feels like, and I’ll tell you what happens next. If you’re grossed out by reading this or if you think that I’m gross for writing it, see you later; don’t let the door hit ya where the dog should have bit ya.
My internet access is severely limited at Mum’s house; you should see the lumbering beast that I’m typing this on. I’ll let you know after Thursday what happens.