Halloween 2009: PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE!

In 2007, I was invited to an impromptu Halloween party in the suburbs. Since I didn’t have a costume–or longer than twenty minutes to figure anything out–Cait and her mother helped me hastily cobble together what I referred to as “Plastic Surgery Nightmare.” It ended up looking like this:

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Purple eyeshadow, big red lips and a couple of bandaids. Imagine sunglasses and a bandage wrapped around my chest and that was my costume. Basic, yes, but a total hit. I’m totally fascinated-slash-repulsed by plastic surgery and I LOVED this concept, but I wished I could have had more time to really go all out with the costume.

Fast forward to the beginning of October, 2009. I was perusing the internets and found this 2005 editorial from Vogue Italia that reminded me of my Nightmare. Only with more glamour, violence and plastic surgery, so basically with more EVERYTHING I’M MORBIDLY FASCINATED WITH.

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(You can see the entire editorial here.)

I knew what I’d want to wear as my costume, but there were a couple of issues; the dress was see-through, I couldn’t find white gauze bandages or the right colour for the makeup, I couldn’t figure out how to keep the bandages from slipping down, etcetera. And I’d like to say that I solved 100% of those problems, but really I only got three-quarters of them sorted out before saying “SCREW IT! IT’LL BE FINE!” and going off and doing something else.

And you know how it looked on the night?

IT. LOOKED. AWESOME.

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Fur? Check. Gaudy necklace? Check. Sequinned slip worn as dress? Check. Six rolls of bandages around my chest alone? Check. Brooke the sexy night nurse? Check. I love her and together we were an unstoppable combination.

You can tell that my makeup was a little more sophisticated this year. I researched plastic surgery post-op for HOURS to make sure that I got it right. It took three hours to apply, but it was worth it because I am REALLY proud of how it turned out.

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They say the devil’s in the details; I totally agree. Tiny things, like the yellowing of the bruises around the edges and the fake blood in my nostrils really took this from silly and cartoonish to over the top but awesome.

And let’s talk about the company I was in. Brooke and her boyfriend Daniel are not only awesome friends, but when I told them about my costume, they volunteered to be my nurse and my doctor respectively. Well, Brooke volunteered. I just kind of told Daniel what we were being and that he needed to find a lab coat somewhere. But he went along with it. I love them; I couldn’t have picked two better people to get silly with on Halloween.

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We filled this prescription bottle with Smarties and Brooke pretended to tease me with them while I wailed about needing a refill and being between husbands. Daniel kept telling me that I reminded him of Patsy from Absolutely Fabulous, especially when I did my tottery stumbly run, which was about the best compliment I could have gotten. EVER.

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Doctor Daniel checking his nurse’s…pulse? Blood pressure? Hmm.

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Even though we both have drunkface in this picture, I’m posting it for two costume-related reasons. One, you can really see the fake blood in my nose, a last-minute idea that I was totally proud of. Two, notice anything weird about my chest? Like how it’s totally flat? YEAH. Underneath the sequinned dress was a nude slip, a strapless bra, an elastic bandage wrapped oh-so-tightly to keep everything from sliding down (only worked for short periods) and six rolls of white gauze bandage. It felt like wearing a steel-boned corset and it looked WEIRD. “I’m not used to looking in the mirror and being flat-chested,” I told Brooke as I stripped off in the bathroom and completely re-wrapped (ugh) my upper body for the second time. “It’s like you’re ME!” she squealed. Sometimes I really love being a girl.

Anyway. All that you need to know about Halloween in general was that we didn’t win the costume contest at Darkroom. I KNOW, WE WERE ROBBED. Do you know who won? Wayne and Garth. Because it’s 1992. What the hell.

It was okay, though, because once we’d lost our shot at Pixies tickets (I KNOW!) I ran into the bathroom and unravelled my corset. And oh my god, can we talk about how breathing is the best thing in life? I just stood around for a minute taking deep, unrestricted breaths. It felt amazing.

And then we got silly.

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We basically just started jumping around and spinning like the mature and elegant ladies that we are. “When did we become two drunk girls on the dancefloor?” Brooke asked as we fended off the creepy advances of a dude dressed as a priest.

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Um. I’m sure this isn’t what it looks like.

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Oh hang on. Maybe it is.

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween! I’m already plotting next year’s costume; I’m going to have to work really hard to top this year’s.

Loves you!

6 thoughts on “Halloween 2009: PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE!

    1. First, google the shit out of things like “rhinoplasty bruising,” “eye lift post-op” and “facial bruising after surgery.” Research is your friend. Look at where the bruising is darkest, where it’s lightest, how it fades out.
      Next, get some makeup. It doesn’t have to be special effect stuff. You will need eyeshadow in purple, yellow, black and red. Use yellow as the base and spread it as far as you want the bruises to go. The get the purple and dab it overtop, but so that there are still areas of JUST yellow. The black is for the areas of heaviest bruising, so put that along areas like the circles under your eyes. Keep it kind of blotchy, because bruises are ugly. Finally, the red is for areas that are extra sensitive, like the inner corner of your eyes. You want it to look really sore, like it may have been bleeding (but wasn’t).
      Finally, finish the whole thing by dabbing some fake blood inside your nostrils. Tah-dah! The end.

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