This is my honest-to-goodness first entry in my honest-to-goodness new blog and it feels a little weird. My issue, I guess, is how to go about getting acquainted with you, largely invisible audience. And I figure the best way to do it is to combine two of my favourite things: making lists and talking about myself in the third person. So here we are; this is my life & you’re welcome to it.
1. Alle Malice was born in 1984 with blue eyes, blonde hair and a different, double-barrelled last name.
2. She lived in various tiny towns in Australia until she moved to Perth, a marginally less tiny city on the west coast.
3. She liked Perth.
4. She still likes Perth.
5. She moved to America when she was 16.
6. Yes, this means she has an accent.
7. Actually, Americans and Australians alike say she has an accent. She calls it trans-continental. Her mother calls it “confused.”
8. Alle Malice shares her birthday with a terrorist attack.
9. She’s over the shock of that, though, and now thinks it’s pretty decent that nobody ever forgets her birthday.
10. She went to college and moved to the city of Chicago.
11. Chicago is almost perfect, except for the weather and the fact that it’s landlocked.
12. At the time of writing, she lives in Logan Square within walking distance of many of her best friends.
13. That comes in handy, because she has really boundary-less friendships and it helps that she can just drop in to visit whenever she likes.
14. Alle Malice is fashionable rather than trendy.
15. (Though she does wear a lot of black.)
16. She owns a lot of makeup, most of which she does not wear.
17. Her favourite thing to buy is shoes.
17.5. “Oh my god! SHOES.”
18. She subscribes to UK, Italian and French Vogue. The latter two often do not arrive on time or at all.
19. (She doesn’t speak French or Italian, but the words are secondary–it’s Vogue, not the Economist.)
20. Alle Malice gave herself a fake last name in order to stop Myspace from spilling into the real world.
21. This did not happen.
22. In fact, it was such a spectacular failure that even people she’s known since she was two now call her “Alle Malice.”
23. It used to weird her out, but she’s over it now.
24. Some of her favorite road trip destinations have been:
25. Mount Rushmore,
26. Devil’s Tower, i.e.: that flat-topped mountain from ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind,’
27. The corn palace,
29. Hannibal, Missouri, and,
31. She has funny stories about each of these places, but doubts if anyone wants to hear them.
32. She is a cat person, but is slowly coming around to dogs. She has always loved fish.
33. She does not smoke or take drugs, but does get drunk and dance about once a week.
33.5. She doesn’t think this makes her boring or uncool.
34. Alle moonlights as a stylist. If you’d like her to criticise and throw out half your wardrobe, then take you shopping, please let her know.
35. She does not coddle anyone. She believes that tough love is sometimes the best kind of love.
37. Alle does not bite her nails anymore.
38. She does not have “guilty pleasures,” as she has never felt guilty (or remorseful) about anything.
38.5. This might be enough to qualify her as being a sociopath, except that she really feels like most of society’s rules are important and not to be broken.
39. But if she DID break any of those rules, she wouldn’t feel bad about it.
40. She’s been keeping blogs (or “online journals” as we used to call them) since she was sixteen.
41. She loves Jane Austen.
42. She also loves celebrity gossip blogs,
43. Drag queens,
44. And shiny things like sequins.
45. Alle Malice has a very good memory for people and things that happened.
46. Sometimes this is a very bad thing, as she isn’t able to forget the painful things.
47. She can deal with anything, no matter how horrible. This has been tested and proven.
48. She’s basically the coolest person you didn’t realise you knew.
49. So fix that.